WHY DO OUR KIDS USE DRUGS?

Why do our kids use drugs?  How can we help them?

Kids use drugs or alcohol for the same  reason that adults do.  It gives them a feeling of pleasure or wellbeing.  True, it is a state that is only physical, artificial and short-lived.  But it is WHY DO OUR KIDS USE DRUGS?

HOW CAN WE HELP THEM?

Our children and adolescents are using drugs to an unprecedented degree.  We can no longer sit back and blame society or bad friends.  We may not want to hear it but sometimes OUR kids are the bad friends.  We can do something besides pray.  We can act.  To act we must know what is the real problem, then how to solve it.

So why do our kids use drugs?  Kids use drugs or alcohol because it gives them a feeling of pleasure or wellbeing.  Simple!  Nothing more! True, it is a state that is only physical, artificial and short-lived.  But it is attractive because it can be reached quickly, easily, and to a level that is dictated, not by merit, but by availability.  So, it is attractive to those who need to feel good because they have no ability to earn it, those who have exhausted themselves trying, and those who  with little self-worth, those whose self-worth is depleted by abuse or burnout, and those who simply want the easy option.  But attraction and use are two different things.  Despite the reason, it still needs to be determined, “why does a person seek an artificial, short-lived feeling of physical well being when it is fraught with so many dangers?”  

We can postulate many reasons for this.  Some observers have alluded to the possibility that young people feel invincible and want to explore that which is dangerous for a sense of bravado, especially to impress their peers.  Others have postulated that they are simply attempting to fit in with their peers and will do what is expected, just to be accepted.  Then, there is the idea of boredom, taking a chemical trip because reality is boring, unstimulating, or redundant.  Nonetheless, these postulates do not always recognize that the primary drive within any human being is the need to feel good about self and within self.  The need to reach that from external sources can only be rationalized if the internal state is fragile, limited, or meaningless.  In other words, a child will only reach for artificial wellbeing when internal wellbeing is crippled.  

Thus, the real question is, "What causes internal wellbeing to become crippled?"   

No child will seek artificial gratification if they are already satisfied and comfortable in their own skin.  They will not need to pursue dangerous friendships if they already feel valuable, focused and connected.  So, we need to understand why a child will be so lacking or weak in the internal strengths of self-worth that they will seek it from other substances or the peers who will lead them to harmful or unproductive activities. 

It will seem strange to follow this thread of thought because many of us who have observed a child going into the activities that will hurt often see those who appear well-balanced and focused.  We see those who have everything - friends, a comfortable home, material effects, even a religious association.  What we do not see when we look at these effects, however, are the true internal strengths of that person.  The possession of obvious qualities or privileges does not always confer feelings of internal wellbeing.  Sometimes it even stifles the development of true self-worth.  Self-worth is an invisible, private quality we cannot observe or associate with external conditions.  It is the way we see ourselves.  If we see ourselves as strong or valuable because of our association with some external quality, then we do not have true self-worth.  Our value comes from our attachment to an external source.  Then, it is the attachment that dictates our strength, not even the power of the qualities to which it is attached.  Thus, a child can appear to have everything when, in fact, he/she feels poorly within him/herself.  We can only know what lies within by having the child reveal it, an act that is difficult to undertake when the child or adolescent cannot yet know what those feelings really are.  Therefore, we must be able to understand the conditions that constitute inner self in order to understand how that can be crippled in any child.

True self-worth is that state where a person feels good without requiring external input to produce or qualify it.  That is SELF-worth, not value relative to or because of some external recognition or privilege, but value from self because of internal recognition of self.  That is perhaps the most important job of parenting, not providing the safest environment, not making the child happy, but showing the child how to recognize the value of self and be happy with self.  It requires concentration from the adult to direct the child to experience what he/she would rather not do without also making the experience painful and unattractive.  Of course, it is easier to indulge a child who is unhappy about leaving a condition that is safe or comfortable or going into one that is insecure or uncomfortable.  The result is that a child may end up with a crippled self-worth, one that exists only when certain conditions exist.  And, as we have seen, if self-worth is lacking or weak, the child is vulnerable to the lure of artificial sources of well-being or any activity that does not challenge them on merit ( since merit is fragile, limited, or meaningless).

Let us look at each of these.  We must bear in mind that we are referring to the internal value of the child, not the genetic, social, or material strengths. 

When Merit is Fragile. 

We are immediately drawn to think of the neglected child or the abused one who has never had the opportunity to feel good.  True, these children exist.  They often end up on the street or totally lost and scared or bored out of their wits.  They will definitely find themselves using drugs just to run away from a reality that constantly reminds them that they are nothing.  But this category also includes the child who is so protected from adversity that he/she never really gets the chance to become a real person.  That child can be happy and comfortable in the safety of the protected conditions but is often afraid, confused, or shy when exposed to the true reality.  That is the child who is confused about his/her sexuality when he/she reaches puberty, gets lost in the vastness of high school, becomes vulnerable to the direction of the more suave colleague or fun-loving peers, and embraces the lure of drugs because it offers the only escape from a reality of fear and emotional angst.  Sometimes it is the child who can never be reached by well-intentioned parents or one who just never fits in and who retreats to the safety of daydreaming, pretense, or solitary activities.

When Merit is Limited 

This can be difficult for some of us to understand or even accept.  So, let us define it in an abstract form and apply it to the many conditions that confront our children.  Limited merit refers to the ability to feel good about self because of an attribute that seems to be of value only in certain conditions or with certain qualifications.  Okay, let us simplify this with examples.  Take a look at the child who can play a sport, hockey, for example.  We can quickly see that this is an attribute that is valuable in certain societies, and, of course, under certain conditions.  The child has value of self because of a skill, one that can be lost through injury, opportunity, or relocation.  So, it is easy to deplete that strength trying to prove the value of self in that circle or to feel inconsequential outside of that circle.  Then, that child can be vulnerable to the lure of artificial stimulants that give pleasure without demanding so much effort from them.  They will do it to boost a flagging strength or to have the only easy respite from a life of effort and strain.  The common thread is the expectation to perform at a superior level in order to show competence or prove superiority.  Therefore, the extension of this is the child who is expected to perform at an advanced level or accept a responsibility that is not age-appropriate.  Such a situation can be as simple as the pressure to show academic superiority (Mozart is a good example of this), maturity of behaviour, or leadership without the benefit of maturation.  Unhappily, it is also the child who is sexually or physically abused as this is the imposition of greater responsibility at a stage when the child has not yet been toughened by experience or made sophisticated by age.  It also encourages the definition of value that is restricted to that attribute that was inappropriately emphasized, be it sexuality, beauty, stamina, consideration or such.  The result is a limited vision of self that can easily be lost or require exhausting effort to maintain.

When Merit is Meaningless 

As parents, we sometimes believe that it is our responsibility to make our children secure, safe and happy.  We sometimes have the means to do this, either because we have the finances or the time or energy and determination.  So we provide the ideal space where the child can grow undisturbed.  We protect them from things and people that disturb their tranquillity.  We do not realize that disturbance and the requirement to deal with it are the ingredients to a healthy self-worth, of course together with support and direction.  But it is easier to use our resources to make their world safe than it is to show them how to deal with adversity.  And it gives us the feeling that we are giving something powerful and superior to what others can give.  We do not realize that we are giving our children a sense of entitlement, one that cannot be sustained.  They rely on the tools and resources the parents can provide.  They may still be able to have them past childhood into adulthood.  They may grow up so visibly strong, so confident.  Yet that strength and confidence are purchased.  Merit is meaningless because value is privileged.    One problem from this is obvious.  The child can lose access to those tools and become lost, confused, stranded, but still holding on to that feeling of entitlement.  They may be drawn to the use of drugs because they rationalize the need for feeling good and the right to it.  So the use of artificial stimuli is justified as a natural extension of that right.  However, there are two other outcomes that may be more devastating.  One is the boredom that exists when a person can live in an unchallenging reality.  In this world, a young child or adolescent will still experience discovery, albeit within a limited framework.  As these simple discoveries are explored and as the stimuli from mechanical devices are exhausted, these kids get bored with life.  They do not want to start exploring a world they do not know.  They cannot find any more inspiration from the world they know.  So they explore a world that demands little except affordability, a resource they can access easily - the world of drugs.  The other outcome is the misinterpretation of the meaning of life.  They live at the superficial level.  They only see the ability to purchase pleasure.  And they have that purchasing power.  This gives them selective accessibility.  It is a privilege they have been granted and one they will embrace because it is their right.  They indulge in drugs or other artificial pleasures, not because they do not have internal sense of well being.  Goodness knows, if they search for it, they will discover it does not exist.  It is just that they do not see any reason to look for it.  They are privileged.  They will get what they deserve.  And they can afford to indulge themselves, to the level they identify themselves.

So we can see how the internal state of wellbeing can be depleted without being obvious externally, allowing us to be oblivious to the true needs of our children.   You can see how this internal insecurity can leave a child vulnerable to the lure of artificial distractions and to become enslaved to them.  What you may not see automatically is that these distractions are not necessarily confined to drugs or alcohol.  They may include sex, food, gambling, shoplifting, shopping, internet games, music, telephone conversations, or just hanging out.  The common danger is not the effect of the activity on the physical wellbeing of the child.  It is the effect of the constant retreat to these activities leaving the mind to stay under-stimulated and further vulnerable as the progressive challenges of adulthood creeps insidiously onto them. 

What can we do about it?

We can see that the reasons our kids use drugs are as complex and diverse as are our kids.  Therefore, the solution cannot be simple.  What we do about it is definitely not to squeeze a behaviour out of them by force.  We cannot simply take them away from their friends or lock them away from access to drugs.  We have seen that the important concern is not the removal of the solution they have discovered but solving the problem that exists.  To produce as a result of our intervention, a child who is not using drugs but is still unhappy within self can be unfair to the child and a false sense of security to the parent. Remember, a child may still cease the participation in one act only to replace it with another that offers the same result of artificial, temporary well-being but is invisible to the concerned parent or authority.  We must accept that a child does not use drugs or hang out with unsavoury friends because he/she is bad.  There is an underlying reason.  And since each reason can be the complete antithesis of another, one approach can produce a disastrous effect when applied blindly to a condition where another approach will be effective.    So it is imperative for a concerned adult to discover the underlying problem.  Remember, however, that by the time a child displays an affinity to a particular activity, person, or substance, that association is seen as the best friend.  They will resist in fear of any attempt to take away the only thing that has offered some respite from a cruel world.  So the child will mistrust any attempt that may appear to be directed at removing access to their chosen activity.

A parent or concerned adult has to first win the trust of the child by discovering his/her fears and limitations and working within them.  This is accomplished by not being the external authority and being genuinely interested in the child’s life.  For example, instead of exploring how they are doing at school or with homework, who are their friends, or why they are taking drugs, we explore something they are interested in.  We do this, not from an authoritative stand, but as a student of their culture.  We show genuine interest in learning something from them.  We make them the authority and we the student.  We live in their world, at least vicariously. That builds trust.  We discuss and make truly important any creative act they may have done, even one they feel is trivial.  We do this without being patronizing by being honest and lavish in our praise.   Then we challenge them a tiny bit beyond their limitation using the reminder of their discovered success as incentive to go the next step.  We repeat this process progressively, going back to a previous level if they become spooked.  We must always remember that, in all of this, we are planting seeds. If the child spooks and appears to lose interest after we have gained some ground, don’t be discouraged.  The seeds already planted will sprout.  Another attempt at another time will allow another gain.  At no time do we discuss the use of drugs or the irresponsible behaviour.  Let that go away by attrition.  The important focus is the maturation of the self.  The change of behaviour will come as the self matures and will emerge from the child as a proud expression of self, not as a reflection of the desires of the adult, the law, or society. It is a tough job because we are catching the horse after it has escaped from the stable.  But if we do not do it, the chance of them discovering a way out, though possible, becomes more remote.  

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